I read this today on alteredbadge.ca and it really hit home for me. I don’t know this will resonate with you, if you similar people in your life. I get a lot of unsolicited advice that some I keep & others I disregard. But there are a number of people I find it extremely hard not to speak up to, and the odd time that I do, the response is very negative. Sometimes I don’t hear from them for months. I found this post today so familiar I have to share.
“…there is an African saying that warns, “Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”
The saying is essentially warning us not to accept people trying to give us what they do not have for themselves. More specifically, it might be telling us not to accept love from people who clearly do not love themselves.
On the list of toxic people with a questionable ability to love and could be present in your life, the “naked” are likely the retrogressive among us. A retrogressive person tends to distort your progress and tries to manipulate you backwards or keep you stagnant, wanting you to continue to be the same person you are.
Life is easier for some people if those around them don’t change and grow. It means they don’t have to do the same… they don’t have to grow either. And some times, some people really need to always feel that they are higher than you and their sense of purpose comes when they believe they have all of your answers.
What’s difficult is the retrogressive is usually someone who does have influence on you, someone you do believe cares for you and it’s not necessarily that this person knows decidedly that they are holding you back. The person may present as very well-intentioned and you may both genuinely believe so, but in the end the retrogressive usually needs reminding that choices in your life are yours to make.
Being able to speak your mind, your heart and your truth and knowing you won’t be judged but will instead receive emotional support is the basis of trust. And trust is what we rely on most in a relationship that is loving. Trusted advice comes about when someone has had a common experience as you and when asked, will share with you in an emotional way what worked for them and what didn’t. But advice that is not asked for and includes “you should” statements is generally unsolicited and a sure way to slow conversation down to a trickle. It also risks driving people away.”
She continues a little further …
“My relationship pattern has usually been to think I must be wrong, or that my feelings don’t matter, or to give excuses (and forgiveness) to the person for their bad behaviour without expressing my hurt or to simply avoid the conflict of confrontation and try to believe things will be better moving forward.
The reality is I’ve taught people how to treat me and I’ve been learning it’s a hard, and often lonely, road to take to change these patterns.”
Title – Adele
Quote – http://www.alteredbadge.ca